Lost!

So I have searched everywhere and I am tired!

I have searched for it in my office drawer, my car, the boot, beneath my seat , my closet, unpacking all my old stuff  labelled "you too old for the stuff", I couldnt find it. I guess I have hidden it somewhere, at a safe place, and i cant remember where. I find an old album - I see myself hideous as always with an uncaring smile. I turn the leaflets like a pack of cards and still no beginners luck.I cant seem to find it. Throwing out my old pile of clothes i cant find anything but a blood stained t shirt that says 'Happy'.
 I am pissed now. I start throwing out things. Where is it hidden. Where the fuck is it! No sign of it in my old certificate folder nor my box full of rusted trophies. My kit bag has a cobweb and a colony of ants but no treasure map for my Monte Cristo. The books though torn seem perfectly new - whose books are these I shout out and the echo is an old dark voice too hollow to be mine. I am frustrated enough to call my friends, my family and my girl friend, I ask frantically  "Do you know where it is". They all say "We know" and all give different answers.I start searching all the places, I am pessimistic coz i know that they have never known where it was but still got nothing better to do but to look. I search my scars, my hand, but no line points to it.

I am tired. I am sweating. I want to cry but never have been able to. I pick up the phone. I know I somebody who would know where it is.

I call myself. I hear a busy tone on the other end. I try again and again but to no avail. I know he has nothing to do but why does he seem so busy. I wanna talk to him, ask him where it is. I know he is the only person who will know. But he never picks up. Never picks up!

I guess I will keep looking coz they tell me that I am alive. So I will keep looking till I find it. And find it if I may, I will never hide it again, i will never lose sight of it, I will live it, I will live MY LIFE. 

"Coin collecting is a lot like life, it stopped being fun a long time ago"
                                                                                                  - Homer Simpson

Boredom

"Dunbar loved boredom coz he wanted a long long life."

                     I wake up in the morning to the see that i slept on the same bed yet again, lying on the same side where the slippers were yet not to be found again when i got off. It feels i have been using the same toothbrush since ages and the number of brush strokes under such drowsy conditions are so similar in number and travel that would make Da Vinci take a bow. The breakfast is one thing that i have always missed in my life and my car still reeks of the yesterday smoke when i am trying to light a cigarette on my way to office. The cars on the road, though probability and statistics would tend to disagree , look the same and travel at the same pace honking the same horn, missing the same turns as they head to the same places yet again. The earth has moved some million miles and rotated like a crazy out of control top, but still everything seems to be in the same place. I imagine the horizon would still be there at the same place even though I never care to look for it.

               I get bored seeing the same people each and every day, with their same annoying habits and their same banal laughter. I get bored with the same people who have always been either too enthusiastic, too sad, too happy , too obnoxious, too chirpy, too focused, too dressed up, too shabby, too wound up, too nonchalant, too diplomatic, too straight forward, too busy, too free, too intelligent, too dumb, too close, too friendly, too hostile or too BORING and IMMUTABLE. I get bored each and everyday sitting on the same chair staring at the same computer. I get bored seeing the same Google homepage, searching for random shit to quell my boredom.

                         The same meetings, the same confrontations, the same disagreements , the same compromises and the same sigh of relief at end of each meeting.The sameness in every different DATED day has put me off and I am unable to realize the 'larger scheme of things'. Why does the lunch always taste the same and missing my afternoon siestas always leaves me disappointed. The coffee breaks are of equal periods separated by equal periods of shirking work. The different coffee beans tend the same flavor to the palate, never providing you with enough caffeine to stop you from sleeping.The drive back is always little more relaxing even though you are a little more tired and yet again you are [not]astounded to see the roads at the same very place. I guess I have to live a long long life as Dunbar suggested so i should take some rest.

After finally having a DIFFERENT looking dinner which tasted the same, i head to bed.

Which side i usually sleep on, i stop to ponder??

With a smirk on my face, i tell myself      "I should not worry i would still wake up on the same side!!!"

My subconscious questionaire

Our whole life is spent in adherence. Adherence to the very fact of existence,adherence to the social laws, laws of nature, laws of lawlessness and what not.  Hanging on to threads that do not lead to anything, holding on to promises that do not mean anything, thriving for a future that runs over the present, crying in pain for happiness that is as bitter, satisfying our ends only to be more dissatisfied, walking a lonely dark tunnel, with an idea of a light on the other side. Which is this light that we always seek, that makes the journey much more tormenting than it already is. Why do we like to race with each other, prove oneself. why do we wanna kill for honor, die for brevity and live for nothing. What is it that drives us, what is it that makes this game a never ending tale. There must be something we must be heading to , is it mere existence we always seek, or eternal salvation we always refute.  is it the competitive era that drives us or is the era competitive because we drive it. Who decides if pass or fail, who designs these criterion, who decides when we sleep, where we travel, what we watch, what we read, what we breathe. Are we the slaves of ourselves , just to be master of our own destiny or is it we, as a collective union of common desires and aspirations thrive to seek the unicorn we all created for ourselves. Is the unicorn worth the relentless war raging within, do we ever reach the endless autumn colored, spring smelling, utopia. Do we fool ourselves or are we being fooled by ourselves with this endless creation of a labyrinth that no one conquers but what conquers all. Do we all win by designing a game that we all lose.

Do we win or lose it all?   

10 Books to Read Before You Die

  Catch-22 (1961), 

   by Joseph Heller

                          

 

                       Midnight's Children (1981), 

                         by Salman Rushdie

 

 

  To Kill a Mockingbird (1960), 

  by Harper Lee

                      

 

                   The Catcher in the Rye (1951), 

                      by J. D. Salinger

 

  The Stranger (1942), 

  by Albert Camus

                                                           

 

 

    

    One Hundred Years of Solitude (1967), 

            by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

 

  

  The Great Gatsby (1925), 

  by F Scott Fitzergald

                            

 

 

                               War and Peace (1869), 

                                  by Leo Tolstoy

 

 

 

The Kite Runner (2003), 

 by Khaled Hosseini

   

 

 

                            

                            Lolita (1955), 

                            by Vladimir Nabokov

Smoke

Sitting in this room full of smoke
feels like im gonna choke;

Its not the fumes that bother me
but the world beyond this room I see;
Full of people I dont like
full of lies I dont buy;
The fumes just keep piling in
they dont wanna get out of this place like me;
I cant see through this fog anymore

seeing the world clearly than ever before;
With its cities reaching to the skies
hiding under a shroud of lies;
People and places, love and hate
seem so real but all so fake;

Sitting in this room full of smoke
really feels like I am gonna choke !